Parenting advice: My son was banned from his middle school graduation—because of my husband.
I’ve been making him sleep in the guest room ever since.
I’ve been making him sleep in the guest room ever since.
Advice by Allison PriceJune 30, 20256:00 AM Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication.
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Allison Price
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Dear Care and Feeding,
I’m a mother of a 14-year-old, “Avery.” Avery was born female, but informed us last year that they identified as male. They changed their name to “Adam” and asked us to use he/him pronouns. My husband and I are supportive of however our child identifies, but my extended family (parents and siblings) are pretty conservative and have struggled to accept it. However, they agreed to use our child’s new name and pronouns in order to continue seeing them. (Adam was comfortable visiting as long as relatives used the appropriate name/pronouns and kept their opinions to themselves.)
AdvertisementAdvertisementAdvertisementLast month, Adam told us that they now identify as female and want to go back to “Avery.” I’ll admit it’s been a bit of a rollercoaster, but my family’s reaction has been the most difficult part to handle. They are now sharing all the opinions they’d been keeping to themselves—to me, thankfully, not to Avery. Things like, “Why can’t kids just keep the gender they’re given and stop looking for attention?” and “I knew it was just a phase.” I’m finding it hard to know how to respond to these comments when the transition did, in fact, turn out to be a phase.
—Trying to Be a Supportive Mom
Dear Supportive Mom,
AdvertisementThat’s a really tricky situation. First of all, hats off to you and your husband for creating an environment where Avery feels comfortable enough to publicly explore their gender identity.
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- Help! I Can Afford My Best Friend’s Destination Wedding. But There’s Another Reason I Really Don’t Want to Be There. You’ve probably been doing a lot of self-educating over the past year, but just in case, here is a peer-reviewed article on re-transitioning from the International Journal of Transgender Health. You might find the article—and some of the articles cited within—helpful in understanding Avery’s experience and this facet of the wider transgender experience.
AdvertisementIn terms of how to explain this to other family members, consider saying something like, “I know it sounds confusing—to be honest, I’m still learning too. But I’m asking you to keep an open mind.” You can explain that some folks transition once and are done, while others wind up changing their gender identity a few times before they find the one that truly represents them. Others define themselves as “genderfluid,” meaning their gender identity changes over time. If the family is truly curious, articles in the popular press (such as this piece from AARP) could be good resources to share. Ultimately, though, there are three key points you can underscore:
Advertisement- The ask is essentially the same as when Avery first transitioned from one gender binary to the other: Call them what they prefer.
- Even if we don’t fully understand something, that doesn’t mean it is untrue.
- You’ll accept confusion and curiosity from the family (or at least it seems so from your letter), but not bigotry or scorn.
Throughout it all, keep an open dialogue with Avery to ensure that you’re speaking for them in a way that feels both accurate and comfortable. It’s great that they were willing to accept their extended family members’ skepticism, so long as everyone maintained decorum—that’s a very mature and generous position for a teen to take. However, they might not always feel that way, so you want to leave space for Avery to change their mind about their comfort around these relatives.
I hope your family’s story ends up as a positive one. Although your relatives are making some problematic remarks right now, the fact that they acknowledged Avery’s transition a year ago might mean they’re capable of developing more affirming views in the months and years ahead. It’s a small straw to grasp at, granted—but these days, I’m looking for any sign that the moral arc is bending in the right direction. Good luck.
—Allison
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